On the train

Hey there every one how you been doing.
 Well it has been a long time since I did my last blog. So let me put my feet up an start a blogging ;I'm told there funny but Emma always was a crack pot. So here just for you Emma and anyone else who would like to read this. It might not be funny but hey what you going to do
So where should I start. Well I'm on the train and have about 3 hours to fill. Lucky for you. And for all of you now hopping I cant type. Ha I'm going to write a book. A very unfunny book.
Ok let's have a look around. Who's on this train with me. Okay there's an older woman sitting over to the right of me. She looks a little bored. She looks like she might be called Rose. Am going to refer to here as Rose. But you know ever since I watched titanic. I always assume old woman are called Rose. Maybe I should ask if she would like to help me write this blog. I could ask her real name. Oh okay! Now she's looking at me. Oh! She's smiling now. Bet she thinks I'm weird.
Moving on now who's behind me. Oh! Nice girl there might talk to her later. Ok James just smile this time.
Wow! Is that's really it. Just sum guy talking very loudly on his phone. The conversion sound's very boring. 4 people in one train cart that has to be a record. Maybe everything the train company were say was true. Maybe they really did need more money to improve the system. I guess we'll all have to watch and see.
So back to the train. Well it's a virgin train. And that doesn't mean it's a new train or have anything to do with sex. Oh and get this it's a moving train. More improvement to be noted. Well I'm sure we'll stop in a soon. Turn this 3 hours trip into 5 .
So why you ask are you on the train? Well that easy to answer It's because I've had about 3 weeks off work and have been in London with friends. Now I don't know if you've ever been to London. But my god some of the stupidest people live here. A lady came up to me in the street and pointed at my jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket". To which I replied in a psychotic tone. "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!" She wasn't impressed.
Anyway I've had a great holidays not really wanting to go back to work. I should tell you some of the things that I got up to.
Okay me jack and Emma went over to Andy's house. But nobody was home at the time. Knowing that his parents were on holiday for the week. We decided to go inside and wait for him. So we slipped in through the oversize dog door. Once we were inside we got a little bit bored so we decided to leave but before we did I thought we could have some fun. You see his mum collects teddy bears and had hundreds of them placed all around the house. So we gathered almost all of them and placed them in the living room. Sat them on couches, chairs and the floor all facing the TV. I found a DVD of Barney (EVERYONES FAVOURITE PURPLE DINOSAUR) We put in the DVD and left the remote control in the biggest bears lap with the volume all the way up and then left. Later that night we called him and told him that we were coming over he sounded worried. When we got there he was scared shitless. Turns out that he and Lucy. His girlfriend had called the cops and had to explain the whole story They found nothing. laughed and left. He still doesn't understand what happened.
You might like this. And I promise Emma saw the funny side after a few days.
Last week Emma and I were getting into bed. Well the passion started to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me" Okay so she might not of said those actual words. But for the propose of this story let just say she did. Anyway I wasn't best impressed. "What was that" I asked ever so politely. "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man" (she must of red that some where) Now not know if she was joking or not I just looked at her.
She soon responded to the puzzled look on my face by saying "Can't you just like me for who I am. And not for what I do for you in the bedroom" Realising that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. While plotting my revenge. The very next day we went out to lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take. So I told her I'll buy them all if she wanted them. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said "lets get a pair for each outfit". We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of earrings. Now let me tell you, she was so excited. I started to think she was testing me. Because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said. "I think this is all dear let's go and pay". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out. "No honey. I don't feel like it" Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT??!!! I then said "Really honey I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "why can't you just like me for who I am and not for the things I buy you" Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.
Then there was Glastonbury. I've been trying to think what I could write that would give an impression of a great weekend. I could tell you of the rain and mud. The celeb spotting. Or my highlight's of the weekend. But in the end there's really nothing I can say. If you weren't there you'll never know. I have had the best few day of my live that I'll never forget. From just being with friend around the fire. To the radio one wedding of the year. The Mark Ronson gig of the weekend. or just watching everyone leave on Monday. There nothing more to say then
Roll on glasto 2008 

Locked out

Hello again everyone
 So its come to my attention. I don't know what to do when i get locked out of my house. I know this because it happened to me yesterday.
I came outside looked behind me. Oh crap! The door was shut. Now when this happens you get this thought process in your brain. You know the doors not going to open. But it doesn't stop you trying it any way. You also think there has to be a way in. But you know deep down inside that you're locked out and not getting in any time soon.
It's at this point you stand and think. But no ideas form in your head. Your trying to work out how to get in and NOTHING'S going thought your head.
 When you get over this about ten minutes later. You think to yourself there must be a key out here somewhere. And off you go on a the hunt. Only to return ten minutes later right back where you started. And still with no key. 
 Then you think I'll try next door and yep .They have no key and now you just feel stupid
 Okay so now you try ringing somebody. And just as you reach for your phone CRAP. Yeah you don't have it. So all thats left to do is to start walking. You have no ideal were your going at the time. Or wether your wasting your time or not (I was wasting my time) But wherever you end up you hope there's a key to be found.
 So in the event that you don't find a key what are you going to do now. 
Do I break the window. 
How do you break a window. 
How do i fix a broken window 
 And all this your thinking with the brick in hand. As you throw it you expecting to hear the smashing glass. But nothing happens. as you open your eyes to find the brick at your feet. The thoughts of robbers and buglers spring in to your mind. Glass is stranger than it looks. So this time you throw harder and and faster.
 yeah your finally in. 
 And do you know the first think you do. It's checking your phone and hiding that spare key outside somewhere. because you don't want to go thought that ever again. 
 So if you know me and know where I now live. Hay why not come and see if you can find that spare key. I'll let you help yourself to the dvd's and ipods  
 But at least i know i want ever be locked out again.
    

The Killers

Hello blog fans.
Just thougth i'd say hi. And tell you about my friday night in Blackpool.
   So for all you who don't know.(you should really start listning to Radio one) One of the best bands ever played blackpool. Yes you guessed.It was The Kilers. And what a set. Old with new. Jenny was a friend of mine just rocked. And Mr Brightside at the end. I really can't tell you how good it was to be there.
   So now we wait the long and hard wait for the album bring it on.
Bye now.